HBO what are you doing to me? No, put your giant wad of cash down, McDuck, and listen. The following will be graphic and full of foul words, just like you like it...
The fuck are you doing?
My name is Rosina Rubylips and I have an addiction. OK, I have several addictions, but that’s not what we’re here to talk about, thank you. The one thing they’re most likely going to have to take me on Intervention for is vampire shit. I don’t want to, like, suck anyone’s blood or anything (for now) but, I’m sorry ya’ll, stuff about vampires is hot. Too rarely it's done just-almost-exactly right, but when it is, battered-and-fried hot damn if it doesn’t just turn a girls bones to jelly doughnuts.
So, along comes True Blood. The book was so bad it turned me into a horrible person, ya’ll. I had no faith. I’ve been hurt too many times (whoever’s idea it was to take Moonlight off the air, I’m looking at you). But True Blood bounded in with ripping fangs and gushing blood and hot sex scenes, and maybe this makes me scuzzy but they had me at kissing with blood in their mouths.
All right, you’ve got me HBO. You air a vampire series that does a particular thing and does it really fucking well. And I, having no HBO, wait patiently for the DVD, trying hard not to pre-judge it by my disdain for the book. I fall, and I fall hard. And fast. It doesn’t take long to pour through Season 1, and next seasons’ premieres take a wizard’s eternity to come.
Season 2 rolls around and I still don't have HBO. Who can afford HBO, right? When you’re living on Ramen and the delicious charity of your mom’s leftovers, it’s kind of hard to justify paying extra for HBO when things like Netflix and just digging around on the internet exist. Hell, when I have the money I’m glad to pay the $2 or so on Amazon or iTunes to digitally rent a movie or an episode of something I’ve missed. But you know what else is nice? When networks broadcast their shows on their website, as well.
Get with it, HBO. OK, you’re a premium channel. Networks have done a lot of shitty things (yeah, you know who you are, whoever decided it was a good idea to do what you did to The 4400), but broadcasting their shows on their website was so not one of them. I don’t even want to take the time to list all the shows I’m only able to keep up with because of the internet. And I’m not the only one.
So, because you refuse to take notice of the fact that networks broadcasting their shows on their site (even if it’s only for a limited time) is like the best thing to happen to TV in ages I have to download episodes (which is a hell of a lot easier than driving the three hours to my mom’s house where it’s being DVR’d every week) which is (surprise, surprise) done illegally and suddenly I’m a criminal.
Torrents were how I watched Season 2, but I guess too many assholes had the same idea as me cause you’ve wised up to us with Season 3. Suddenly a decent copy of this week’s episode is nowhere to be found. Suddenly I’m getting scary-ass copyright infringement e-mails because I screwed so much money out of your giant coffers by going out of my way to give you my viewership. Viewership that you only want if I pay extra for it.
I mean, heads up, my household owns Seasons 1 and 2, and between me with my sucker for good extras and my TV-holic roommate we will most likely own future seasons. It’s not inconceivable that at some point we’ll probably break down and buy (multiple) shirts and photo prints and shit. The point is, one way or another, you’re going to get your fucking money out of us, guys. Is it really going to break you to put the current week’s episode up for a few days?
Like your ratings now? Imagine all the poor Louisiana trailer trash that need their fix of trashy vampire romance novel porn. (I’m telling you, I’m not the only one.) You would shit rainbow ratings.
But, of course that’s too much to ask because despite the fact that you occasionally whip up shit like Deadwood and Bored to Death and True Blood, at the end of the day you’re the same faceless guys in suits that infiltrate networks everywhere. The guys who want us to hand over all our lunch money (the ones who hang out with the guys who yank everything Joss Whedon does off the air). The guys who pull Pushing Daisies off the air while both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette still exist. You’re bougie and you suck and yet I would give you my viewership in a heartbeat because you’ve already got your fangs thoroughly (and oh so enjoyably) embedded in my throat.
And for that you can suck it.