Taylor Swift.
From what I know about her she is tiny, blonde, sings country-esque music, is about 14 and once dated a Jonas brother.
From my estimations, this makes her annoying. Incredibly, unforgivably annoying.
At least even Miley Cyrus has some edge and has songs that I can listen to without going, "What is that? WHAT IS THAT NOOOOOOISE??"
But, I (perhaps stupidly) assumed that I was just being an asshole.Maybe I should give her a chance.
Taylor Swift is in People Magazine a lot. Lily Allen listens to her.
Yet whenever I see that video of her in that freaking ball gown, nasely moaning on about Romeo taking her somewhere where they can be alone (presumably so they can hold hands and engage in some heavy petting) I mildly lose my shit.
Again, I thought maybe I was just being an asshole.
If Lily Allen will voluntarily listen to her by the pool, she must be awesome.
But according to our followers on Twitter, she is not awesome. Not even a little:
@Scaraboo says that listening to Taylor Swift makes her " want to tear my face off just to distract me from the torture of listening to her music".
@Lollingtons says she can't stand the fact that "every video is a princess-fairytale". (True, that is gross.)
Our followers have also pointed out that she has "drippy, strange eyes" with a "tiny chipmunk face", is "shit" and our own Laura Silver says that she is simply "a cock".
As well as being "boring, so boring even my tweet about her is boring" and "totally commercialized". Never mind that she is obviously also at fault for dating one of those chastity ridden, god-loving, purity ring sporting Jonas Brothers. (And only sluts dislike the Jonas Brothers!!!!)
There are some that think she's OK, describing her as "Kelly Clarkson with 'down home' charm" and point out that "her songs encourage my 16 year old daughter to practice guitar and sing out loud in her room".
And really, at least she's giving young girls something positive to emulate. You know, like not practicing seductive pelvic thrusts and provocative boob-shimmying like my pals and I did back when Britney Spears was parading around with thongs outside her jeans with snakes draped over her tanned, oily biceps.
Despite our followers opinions, I thought I'd still give her a proper chance. Was her music awesome? (Disney-dating aside?)
First attempt at Liking Taylor Swift: Love Story
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone/ I'll be waiting / all there's left to do is run / You'll be the prince and / I'll be the princess / It's a love story / Baby just say yes
My summary of the Love Story video in 13 words: Prince. Princess. Running in a field. Ball gowns. Balcony. Sweeping up-dos. FAIL.
(Although the chorus is pretty catchy.)
(That also makes 19 words.)
I'm not a princess / this ain't a fairy tale / I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet / Lead her up the stairwell / This ain't Hollywood / this is a small town
We're still on the Princess thing? I was in to this video and dealing with her fake crying pretty well until she went all One Tree Hill/Laguna Beach on our asses and had Stephen Colletti as her love interest. FAIL
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar / The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star / He's the song in the car I keep singing / don't know why I do
Mmmkay, firstly. Gui-TAR, wishing s-TAR, in the c-AR. THEY RHYME! Why not throw them together in some loosely related way for your chorus in the name of RHYME?
Secondly, Tyler Hilton as your love interest? Do her managers just have the numbers of every G-list celebrity that has ever been on One Tree Hill on speed dial? Who's next? Pete Wentz?
And thirdly...Swarovski crystals glued to your face to symbolize tears?? Why not put them on the fucking guitar because isn't' that the name of the song??!
But she wears short skirts / I wear t-shirts / She's cheer captain / and I'm on the bleachers /dreaming bout the day / when you'll wake up and find / that what you're looking for / has been here the whole time
While there is no Princess theme in this one, Taylor does manage to sneak in a "dance/evening wear" theme by having this whole thing set - where else - in high school.
This was my fourth and final attempt at liking Taylor. Why? Well, not only is the video a complete rip-off of She's All That, but there are various shots of Taylor's love interest sneaking smiles at her when she's just being herself and wearing her hideous fake "nerd" clothes and "ironic" geek glasses.
Cool, right?
You start to think that maybe this band geek might win over Mr.Popular with her knowledge of Hemmingway and Oboe skillz.
HOWEVER, Mr. Cool Guy doesn't finally fall for her until she ditches her glasses, puts on a Jessica McClintock dress, a strapless bra and a pair of Spanx and shows up to the fucking Homecoming dance all hopeful, you know, because she loves him.
Ah yes. NOW THAT SHE HAS CONTACTS YOU LIKE HER.
Look. Her music is catchy. Her shit will get stuck in your head. No, she's not Britney. Yes she's talented.
But, as @sarahdrinkwater points out, her lyrics are "quite mental" and are predominantly made up of "proper teen psycho diary stuff".
Taylor herself has said her songs are "basically my diary put to music", which is fine, if maybe her entire diary wasn't from My Super Sweet Disney High School Princess Bride Musical on crack.
You're 20-years-old! STOP IT.
Can we not think of a theme other than "school" and "princess" for her videos? (Or "falls in love with/gets screwed over by One Tree Hill guy"?)
Verdict:
Talented, but annoying as shit.
Honorable Attempts At Liking Taylor Swift mentions. Her Should Have Said No CMA performance. (Rip-off outfits? INDOOR RAIN?) And this self indulgent "I love my Mommy so much I'm going to do a video completely made up of videos of myself at age 2 because I was so fucking cute" video.