While the one and only time I've ever used AQA 63336 they may have let me down, causing me to turn to the good ol' mustached boys of 118 118 - their list of Christmas questions and answers had me laughing pretty hard.
People can ask some pretty stupid questions, but I actually learned a bunch of things I had always wondered about. Sure, by the end of this post you'll have loads more Christmas knowledge than you'll ever need - but just think of how impressed all your family will be this week when you can tell them over Christmas dinner that they're probably going to gain about eight pounds right at this very moment?
Here are some of our favorite Christmas questions and answers from AQA 63336:
Q. What brand of sherry would impress Santa? I must keep up with the Jones’!
A. Santa could not fail to be impressed by a glass of Harveys Bristol Cream. He will love the roasted nuts & raisins flavour, with a subtly spicy finish
Q. How fast would Santa have to travel to get around the world in one night?
A. Santa has 34 hours to deliver his gifts across all the time zones. He would need to travel at 4,705,882 km/h to deliver presents to everyone.
Q. How many calories would Santa put on if he ate a cookie and glass of milk in ever child’s home?
A. Santa would get through 1.5 billion glasses of semi skimmed milk and low fat biscuits, left by thoughtful parents, consuming 400 billion calories.
Q. I let an old guy with a white beard came round my house last year and empty his sack in my living room, he wasn’t Santa who was here?
A. If his sack contained lots of presents then it is someone doing a good deed masquerading as Santa. If he emptied something bad then inform the police.
Q. I am confused about exactly what the Grinch is, creature wise. Can you please clear this up for me? The film frankly made it more confusing...
A. The Grinch is just a foul-tempered green and hairy creature who lives in a cave on top of Mount Crumpet with his best friend Max the dog, overlooking Whoville.
Q. What do people really want for Christmas?
A. People want peace on earth and goodwill to all men for Christmas...And lots of chocolate, a Nintendo Wii with Super Mario Galaxy, and a big bundle of cash.
Q. What is the most common injury admittance to A&E on Christmas day?
A. The most common injuries admitted to A&E on Christmas day are self-inflicted alcohol related - such as head injuries and gastro-intestinal bleeding.
Q: Is it illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas day?
A: Oliver Cromwell banned Christmas pudding, mince pies and anything to do with gluttony. That law has never been rescinded so mince pies are illegal.
Fantastic stuff, no? Who is going to kick ass at spewing off random facts this Christmas? You are!
Image via AQA 63336's Brilliant Answers